So you’re in a bar, you’ve been flirting with this cute blond for approximately 46 seconds, and by flirting I mean you’ve summed up all your courage to say “hi”, and by summed your courage I mean consumed 8 Jager Bombs. Suddenly you get the tap on your shoulder, you turn around and there he is: le boyfriend.
“Is this douche bag hitting on you honey?” is what he would have said if he was sober. But judging by the beer stains on his pants and the hiccups in his throat, he is most certainly not.
“Whhhhud the ffffack do yeh thhhink yer *HICCUP* doooin?”
Not a relevant photo, but a hilarious one nonetheless
You’ve already said you’re sorry, you’ve tried to walk away, his girlfriend is tugging on his arm and pleading with him to forget it, but the dude is clearly not letting this one go. You now have some choices to make. You can start screaming for help like a little sissy-poo; you can knee him in the coin purse, uppercut his drunk face, grab him by the back of his shirt and his pants, lift him onto the bar, and smash his head through everyone’s drinks like in the movies, take his girlfriend home and show her who the real man in; but the best thing to do is to talk to him. Keep asking him questions, by forcing him think, you’re stopping his brain from sliding into the reptilian zone which is where beer bottles become weapons and people get stabbed. Assault is a criminal offense, and a criminal record will make it difficult to cross the border without a Canada pardon.
If he stills persists, try your best to get a bouncer or a staff member’s attention. Trust me, the last thing you want is to fight this knucklehead inside a crowded bar. Aside from the possibilities of hurting the people around you, the bouncers don’t usually care who started things and you could get roughed up pretty bad and banned from the establishment forever.
But if you can’t get the guy to go outside, or you did manage to get him outside, and he still wants to fight, you’ll need to decide whether to let him throw the first punch (your best option) or to make a pre-emptive strike. If you know you’re going to let him throw the first punch, there are several things you can do to avoid getting clocked.
-Keep your hands up: not in a fighting stance, but in a submissive, palms facing outwards, please don’t shoot type of stance. This will bring your weapons to chest level, making your reactions faster while masking the fact that you’re ready to fight.
-Constantly circle the guy. Don’t make it too obvious, but by forcing a drunk to turn in circles is a great way of making him dizzy and off balance. Don’t walk backwards, this is how you could trip and fall.
-Keep talking! This is still your best chance to keep him from throwing that punch. How to handle that punch is beyond the scope of this article, right now we’re just looking at sings that someone will or won’t punch you.
The Pre-Emptive Strike
A person communicates several things right before they throw a punch, so if you want to strike first, it’s important to recognize the signs.
-The classic rolling up the sleeves is an obvious giveaway that a punch is coming your way.
- The fact that his fists are up is a good indicator.
- Shoulders raised to lower the head and protect the neck are primal indicators that he’s ready to do battle.
-Clenched teeth, furrowing brow.
-Narrowing the eyes for more focused vision. Staring at targets like your jaw or your stomach as opposed to your eyes is a huge sign that he’s just about to launch.
-If you’ve asked him something and he doesn’t respond at all means he’s flicked his switch to primal brain and he could attack at any second.
These are all god signs that a fist will be making its way to your face very shortly. By recognizing this you can catch him completely off guard and pop him before he even gets a chance to wind up. The only problem with this is that now he can press charges against you, and you’ll have the difficult task of proving that you knew your body was about to get pummeled. But by knowing these signs, remaining calm through breathing and talking, and by keeping your hands up at the ready, you are very prepared to deal with whatever this drunken baboon throws your way. And next time do your research before hitting on some dude’s girlfriend.
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